Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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