I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
