I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
