one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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