I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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