I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
