Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
