Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
