did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
