It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We had sex on a dog bed..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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