It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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