You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.