the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.