he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
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Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT