the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible