You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
