So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
