So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
