I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
