matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
