It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
