Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
