I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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