I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
