The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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