I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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