if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
