i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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