I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
