OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
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i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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