wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
