Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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