He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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