I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
