I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
love makes seman taste better
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
