but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
only you would photoshop your dick
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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