Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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