Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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