apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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