i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
