Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
