weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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