2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
