Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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