The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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