I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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