He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
