Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
