Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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