ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
