His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize