Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
