Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
