there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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