I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
