I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
