you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize