So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
